A Tremendous Announcement

I am proud to introduce a new member of my proud organization, with pride.

The media has commented that I do not resonate with young people and women. These are bad comments! Young people and women love me. Especially women.

I am nonetheless proud to introduce a new member of my proud organization, with pride.

In order to resonate even better with young people and women (who love me), I am hiring someone who is a young person.

A college student.

An athlete.

An upstanding young man with a deep understanding of the American legal system, and a true appreciate for America’s most precious natural resource: Pussy.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing the newest member of our family: Brock Turner.

He will initially be focusing on prison outreach.

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